I’m F*cking Pregnant

Laying face down on the leather couch, which is about as comfortable as it sounds, I mumbled, “I’m pretty sure I’m dying.” 

My body was wrecked. I was exhausted, my bones were like lead pipes and I had a cough. It felt like the flu. Well not exactly like the flu. More like flu-light. All the aches and pains of the flu but no actual sickness. 

All I could do is take turns laying face down on the couch and face down on my bed. 

I had to take a few days off from my paid social media account. 

How could I “shake it for dollars” online if I was dying. 

My mother was extremely helpful (read: rude) during my illness. She teased me mercilessly, that I was pregnant. I never wanted kids and I had declared as much at 10 years old. So her taunts of, you’re probably just pregnant made me even more nauseated. 

I had the flu and just because I wanted to throw up, didn’t mean I was pregnant. 

I couldn’t be pregnant because I was just pregnant and recovering from a miscarriage. 

But to be on the safe side, I called my friend, the nurse and asked her to bring me a test anyway. 

I wanted to prove to the world, I wasn’t pregnant and I had the flu! During flu season! Like a normal person. 

I had to pee a lot because I was drinking plenty of water since my stomach was holding very little in these days. 

As soon as my friend arrived with the test, I grabbed a styrofoam bowl and headed to the bathroom. I refuse to eat from styrofoam but I assumed peeing in it would be fine and I have so many issues peeing in the little cups. 

With my styrofoam bowl full of pee, the eye dropper and the test, I proceeded to follow the instructions.

The test says results in as little as 3 minutes. 

It took as little as 3 seconds for the double lines to appear. 

“I’m fucking pregnant!” I shouted. 

My friend was ecstatic as I paced and repeated “I’m fucking pregnant”

As I finally took a seat on the stupid, leather couch, my phone dinged alerting me to a text. 

{I’m home.} it read. {I’m pregnant} I replied. 

My friend was shocked that I would tell the person responsible for half of the pregnancy over text message but I didn’t want to sugarcoat it. I was in shock, he deserved a little shock too.