I have no real idea why I chose to keep my baby outside of a selfish reason. Honestly, I was still devastated by so much loss that I couldn’t bear to lose anything else.
I was depressed, my anxiety was off the charts, my hormones weren’t at normal levels and I was, as I had been, lost.
I do not think this baby will cure these things. It’s not his job to fix me. But I couldn’t let go of one more thing and this was something I could control. I couldn’t control the loss of my job, livelihood or first pregnancy but I couldn’t even control this one but I had a choice and I chose to do whatever I could to keep this baby.
I know this decision was selfish because I don’t have a full time job, I haven’t fully supported myself for almost a year at this point. I spent the first 5 months in a crippling downward spiral of self pity. The last 7 months, I’ve spent pregnant with those same feelings plus 2 pregnancies and a miscarriage.
Now I’m over the halfway mark and this pregnancy is moving forward. I don’t know what I’m doing. I never realized what pregnancy entailed. I’m 35 years old which makes it a geriatric pregnancy. I thought that was such a funny thing to call it because I never felt old in my 30’s. I used to travel the world until a year ago, even with a broken patella, nothing slowed me down.
But, for me, being 35 means my body is pretty stressed out because of this pregnancy. Between arthritis, pelvis separation and losing bone density (think crumbling teeth and bones) not to mention the fun things that happen to almost all pregnant people (frequent urination, morning sickness, swollen everything, waddling, crying and so much more) I’m exhausted.
I sleep 12 hours a day when I can. And that’s just the physical things happening. Having to deal with the grief and loss because I know I need to heal while I can still get sleep and have time for weekly therapy, is a lot to deal with too.
But the choice I made is made. And I have to believe that even though I was being selfish at the time, I will do my best to be a whole person by the time the baby comes.
I will get my life back on track. I won’t let my anxieties control me because my baby needs a whole mommy. I can’t control anyone or anything but me.
