Pick up lines

I've been in living in China for 2 weeks now and I haven't had sex once since arriving. I have been in training with 15 other foriegners, we have walked at least 5 miles a day and I've been completely sweat soaked the entire time. It's not that I wouldn't hook up with some of the men I'll be working with but it's a line I don't cross. I don't poop where I eat!!

So I decided to get back on OkCupid to meet men, I won't have to avoid at work everyday. I have only been back on for 2 days. Here's a short list of the pickup lines and openers I've gotten so far. 

Are you Made in China?

Hey, nice boobs! You have nice lips as well!!

Hey, I wear glasses but I'm sorry to inform you that my eyes just can't move from your nice boobs as an artist and libido is the drive of arts!!

Omg... Those are huuuuuuuuggggeeeee... Eyes!

Well hello! Can I get an Amen cuz you're so fine!!

You are beautiful in every language! If beauty were measured in seconds, you'd be an hour!!

Out of all of those lovely lines, I have responded to none. I don't know why men think that they can approach me any type of way. Surely no woman worth having would take that seriously. Not to mention, my profile clearly states, I will ignore anyone who mentions my boobs. After walking through China, with the biggest tits in the country for the last 2 weeks, I have no tolerance. I get leers, jeers and stares. I am talked about in a language I barely understand. I definitely don't want to hear the same bullshit in English!!

Accents and Armpits: what I love and hate!!

 

As an American woman who enjoys sex, probably more than most, I have a weakness for accents. 

There are several types of men I won't have anything to do with because of cultural differences but give me a sexy accent and I'm yours. 

If you speak with an Australian, British, Scottish or South African lilt, I'm yours. I don't care for French, New Zealander or Irish accents for whatever reason. It sounds strange since a lot of people can't tell the difference in some of those but I can. 

Case in point, I don't date or sleep with most men from Africa, not because of their accent or skin but because of their overbearing personalities. I've had my fair share of bad experiences with African men, laying claim on me. (Not a turn on, no one likes desperation) But in South Africa, the men aren't as pushy and have a swagger about themselves. Plus their accent is a combination of British & Australian. 

Accents aren't my only turn on. I am incredibly attracted to men who are passionate. There is a fine line between passion and desperation. I DO NOT like hearing how you can't live without me, the moment we meet. I DO like you whispering in my ear, how much you want to kiss me and then kissing me.  Nothing hotter than a guy who goes for what he wants. I also find lust to be a huge turn on. 

Every woman wants to feel wanted and sexy! No woman wants to feel stalked and leered at or pressured. 

And lastly, smell!! Guys, I will try to hump your leg if your cologne is amazing. Even if you have an incredible deodorant. But DO NOT put on clean clothes or cologne over ball sweat and armpit funk. I know that antiperspirants are terrible for us all but I'm accustomed to them. I grew up in a world with them! Use them!!! I know guys who don't, those guys seriously don't stink. But there are some of us who can't go more than 3 hours without it. Use it!!!

I have a lot of turn ons but those are major and I think most women will agree on the last one. No one likes the smell of ball sweat or armpits. You can use deodorant on both! We won't complain!!

My accidental threesome

My first threesome was an accident, my second one was too. I'm a go with the flow type person and twice in my life, the flow went to threesome. If I could plan the perfect threesome, it would involve me twice and my partner or me and two professional pornstars. In my first threesome, it was two men and me. One was more attractive, better endowed and spoke great English. (I was living in China.) The other guy was mediocre overall. He looked ok, he wasn't huge and he wasn't winning awards in bed. The threesome happened by accident. I was a guest of mediocre guy in their hotel room after a night of club hopping. He seemed really into me and I hadn't had sex in a month, so I figured why not. After more drinking and waiting for his friend (hottie) to fall asleep, we had ok sex. He left me to take a shower after 15 minutes of mediocrity. While he was in the shower, hottie "woke up" and confessed that he wanted me and he wasn't actually sleep, he was just waiting. I was very attracted to him and I confessed that too. We wanted each other but I was afraid of a fight breaking out. So I consented to quiet sex with him while MG was in shower. Of course HG had great penis and knew how to use it. The sex lasted a lot longer than with MG. So long that MG was out of the shower and watching us. 

I was nervous because I know how the male ego can be. But I guess MG figured, he could sulk or he could join. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least. I am a moaner and a curser in bed. If you get me going the right way, I'm loud and you don't know if I love it or hate it. On the other end, I also fake it sometimes. So when HG would be inside me, my body and mouth would react. When MG was inside me, I'd have to fake it. I had to think about my moaning levels the entire time. I didn't want anyone's feelings hurt or egos bruised. I didn't want it to be a competition but that's ultimately what most guys turn it into. I also had a lot to concentrate on. I had to focus on blowing one guy and having sex with the other. If you're not careful, you could pinch a nerve or pull a muscle. 

I watch more porn than I should and I find gangbangs and threesomes sexy. But those are professionals! Not only do they get paid to do it but they practice it. They know how to make the woman comfortable and it's not a race to see who can finish first or who can thrust hardest. After a couple of hours, I was sore from ineptitude and tried to sleep. Every time I went to the bathroom to pee, MG would be ready to go again. These times it was just me and him. By 7am I gathered my clothes, made an excuse and did the walk of shame back to my apartment. I'm sure I looked terrible stumbling past Chinese school kids while the sun was coming up. 

The moral of the story: Always carry extra clothes so that you don't scare school children. And first times are almost always awkward. Although so was my second time but that's another story for another time.