My pregnancy has been rough. I had (what I thought was) a difficult first trimester because I was super sick. I lived off of Gatorade, anti-nausea meds and crackers. I could hardly eat. I lost about 40 pounds.
My 2nd trimester, I started having severe bone pains. That’s why my first trimester wasn’t difficult, it was just hard because it was getting worse. My pelvis was (is) separating in the wrong way. I had to start going to physical therapy and a chiropractor to stop further damage. I was told that they couldn’t fix anything already done to my body but help it (possibly) not get worse. I am usually struggling to walk by noon everyday. I occasionally have to use a cane. I can’t go to the store for more than 5 minutes, if I don’t use an electric wheelchair.
When I went to my 28 week ultrasound, I was informed that my baby has IUGR which is a growth restriction. I now have to see the doctor weekly or biweekly because at some point, my body will be less inhabitable and they will save him from it. Meaning I will 100% deliver early, we have to constantly watch to see just how early.
During all of this, I’m planning my baby shower and all the other things most people have to do in their last 3 months of pregnancy while I could have days or weeks left in mine. Most people have a larger safety net of people to help them with these things than I ended up with, although my family is extremely supportive, I’ve lost friends.
I chose to keep this baby but hear my emphasis on CHOSE because it’s my body and it was my CHOICE. I go back and forth on how I feel about this decision. I didn’t know that my body would betray me when I started this pregnancy. I didn’t know I would have chronic pain or have an overwhelming sense of abandonment. I didn’t know that I would cause my baby to suffer as much as this pregnancy has made me suffer. It’s hard. I can say 100%, that I would never force someone to go through a tenth of what I have. I don’t think it is fair to ask anyone to be, stay or continue something that could kill you. I have so much anxiety about my mortality rate because the statistics aren’t great for black women giving birth. I have anxiety about my baby’s survival. I have anxiety about how we will live in this world if we both survive this birth.
All these very justifiable feelings are from my ongoing personal experience. No laws could ever understand that.
