Day 4 of my miscarriage.

Day 4 of my miscarriage (written October 21, 2018)
Apparently it’s still happening. I’m still losing my baby. It’s not fast and there’s nothing doctors can do. I spend my days feeling pain and cold and misery. I spent tonight crying. I can’t remember if I cried myself to sleep last night. It seems like a long time ago. I probably did. 
I cry a lot these days. 

I felt so indifferent about being pregnant. I took a test that said positive an hour later, I took another one a week later to check again. I was pregnant. 
I made an appointment to have a professional check the following Monday. I didn’t have time to do much. I didn’t process being pregnant. How can I possibly process something dying inside me. 

I was pretty shitty at being pregnant. I couldn’t get my appetite right or remember my vitamins. I didn’t really get to make a habit of eating properly. 
I ate pineapples, they cause miscarriages. I smoked a few cigarettes a day, that causes miscarriages. 

Sometimes people blame themselves for these things when it isn’t their fault. 

This was my fault. I never wanted kids and now I don’t have one. 
How many times did I wish I wasn’t pregnant. How long was I unsure about my baby. 
I lost my baby. Whatever combination of hell that is my everyday life, came together and I lost my baby. Our baby. 

It was his too. So now I’m an empty vessel, shell of myself and he feels like he has to take responsibility for me.