Why do I point this out? Because for whatever reason, we live in a world where people think porn is real life. Where someone can grab a stranger and thinks it will lead to spontaneous sex. This is NOT the real world!
Don't believe me? Here are several very true and very scary stories about what happened to me and to too many people I know. All women have these fears.
Groped:
I get, on average, at least one package delivered a day. I may or may not have an online shopping addiction. (Just kidding) I run a business and have things delivered all the time!
Last week, I received a package from a different delivery service. The company you purchase from chooses who delivers your packages. This time instead of a young man in a uniform, it was a man, around 60-70 years old, dressed in regular clothes. He asked me to sign for my package. As he was handing me a pen, he grazed my breast with his hand. I assumed it was an accident. Why would a random old man try to molest me? But instead of apologizing, he grabbed me again and kept telling me how big my chest is. I freaked out. I was in shock, I was disgusted, I was afraid. I couldn't think to yell, I tried to guard myself and fold up as small as I could. I wanted to shrink into nothingness and disappear. I pushed him out of the doorway and slammed the door in his face. He was just standing there smiling as if we both had a great time. As if he didn't grope and molest me. Later, after I stopped yelling at myself, calls were made to the company to complain. The company said, "Too bad. We don't care. Call the police." They refused to give any information about the man in order to file a report. They also refused to punish the man at all. Now every time the doorbell rings, my heart drops a little and I wonder if I should bring something to protect myself. I'm afraid of who is on the other side of the door and what will happen to me if I open it.
Bikes:
Here in China, we have many forms of transportation, we can take the subway, a bus, a taxi or a scooter. Every time we take any of these, we are risking our lives. We've all seen the videos and lived through driving in China. I was always more afraid of a wreck than a pervert. No one thinks that the person driving could be a sexual deviant.
I was on my way home from work and decided to take a moped home. I can't count how many times I've done this, it's fast, it's cheap and it usually is no problem. But this day, my driver had other ideas. He grabbed my thighs. I was originally riding side saddle and assumed he was motioning me that it was unsafe. As I sat straddled against him, and we sped towards my destination, his hand got higher and tighter on my thigh. At the end of the ride, I hopped off the bike, threw money at him and got away. Now I ride my own bike but I've heard many stories like this, even in taxis. We have to be on guard every second of everyday... It doesn't seem fair!
But I find you sexy:
I was taking the subway home during rush hour. It was the beginning of it, so it wasn't so bad, not incredibly crowded yet. I was standing in front of the doors because my stop was next. I became aware of a man standing next to me and staring at me. This isn't unusual, people stare all the time, I rarely notice it anymore but he was standing just a little too close to me and staring a little too hard. As I made my exit out of the subway car, he struck up a conversation with me in English. He asked where I was from, what do I do in Shanghai and how long I have lived here. I was polite and answered because I don't mind letting people practice their English with me. He then asked if I was here with my family, which translates to: Are you married? I will hit on you now. I told him I live with my girlfriend. I wanted him to understand that he, not only, had no chance with me but also that I wanted the conversation over with. As I walked to the escalator to leave the station, he explained to me that he understood that I was a lesbian. He asked, "You don't like boys?" I replied no. He said, "But I find you sexy, I'm attracted to you." And he grabbed my hand and held it tightly. I couldn't get away from his grip and we were trapped on the escalator going up. I was afraid because I didn't know his intentions. I wasn't sure what to do. He expressed his attraction towards me as if it trumped my sexuality. This man who had known me for all of 5 minutes felt like he had rights to me. We exited the station and it was raining so I used my umbrella as an excuse to politely break his grip on me. He followed me to the corner asking me if I wanted him sexually and grabbing at my umbrella hand. Finally, he said he lived the other way and I was able to get away. I didn't walk straight home, I stopped in a shop to unravel the tension in my head. When I did go to my apartment, I ran the 5 flights as fast as possible incase I was followed. I wondered how many women have this happen to them. I worry that most of us are too polite to know what to do.
These are only 3 of the stories. There are countless more and they happen everyday. This time the ladies were lucky. The violation they suffered could have been much worse. There are news articles about rapes by delivery men, rape-murders by taxi drivers and people being attacked anywhere. Somedays it doesn't feel safe to leave the house but they come to your home. Why do we live in a rape culture? Is it because we think fiction like porn is a reality? Is it because we don't value each other as humans? I won't say these ladies are lucky to have survived because there is no luck when it comes to being violated, no matter how big or small. This is everyone's problem!
Even as the women told these stories, people began to tell them what they should have done. Can you imagine feeling like you have no rights to your own body and then hearing, from friends, how you handled it poorly? This, however seemingly passive, is victim blaming. No one knows how they will react until it happens to them and I hope with all of my heart, they never have to find out.
Bottom line: Rape culture sucks! Let's stop it!!!
Misty
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