Pregnancy Scare times infinity

It all started with my nipples are so hard for two weeks I thought maybe my periods coming early. But… No. No period at all. Then I started to feel dizzy and still no period. As the days became week I decided to take the test. 

So I went to the pharmacy up the block from my apartment past all of the judgmental Chinese eyes (not for slut shaming, purely because of my skin color). I paid $4 and got a pregnancy test.

 As I peed on the stick, my heart pounding, I felt a sense of dread. That fear grew stronger every minute I waited for the results. Of course I hadn't taken into account that I live in China. (it's amazing how little I think about living in China while I live in China and hell all things are written in Chinese.) I couldn't read the instructions to find out the results. 

Do double lines mean I'm pregnant or not pregnant? What is this extra box with a line in it? Why did I let that dirty Algerian man not use a condom? All valid questions, most, I could look up on Google.

The first test said I wasn't pregnant.

So then I decided to just wait for my period. I was sure it would be coming soon. Unfortunately, I am still waiting to this day for my period because apparently it's disappeared. So after the first test I started to feel nauseous every day for short amounts of time I never puked but I felt close to it a lot. 

Every day on the commute to work I am smashed into so many other people and it's hot and miserable and half of those people smell horrible. So I can't even imagine or begin to imagine being pregnant and going through that commute every day for nine months. 

I don't want to be pregnant and work at my current job. I don't want to be pregnant and live paycheck to paycheck and time taking care of myself and remembering to eat regularly. How can I possibly take care of a child? I don't want to move back to America and be under the thumb of my family. I definitely don't want to say here and raise a child alone. 

So these are all the thoughts that have been and are continually going through my mind. So last night I went to the same corner pharmacy and picked up yet another pregnancy test. Although the pharmacist had the common sense to give me the Clear Blue one this time. And it came with 2 test.

Big surprise! I'm not pregnant! But still no period at all.

Word of advice ladies: if you're thinking about having an abortion or looking into your options when you're "in the family way", DON'T use internet forums. I just wanted to know about the possibility of an abortion in China. I wasn't looking for religious beliefs, political theories, anger, judgment or any of those things. I just wanted answers. I just wanted someone to commiserate with me and let me know that I'm not alone. That someone else has gone through these confusing and hard times themselves and here is what help them through it. But all there was was judgment and bullshit.

Side note: So I turned to one of my friends who comes from the same place that I do and could understand what my life was looking like and she was very helpful for me. She's the one who suggested I take the second test and I'm grateful and thankful for that. I'm happy that I had a friend in my corner when I needed it the most.

If my period returns, I'll let you guys know. But so far... Still no period!

Break time is over!

So it's been a while since I've posted, six months to be exact. From horrible days to pregnancy scares and it's been a very very long six months. Settling into China has been an adventure. I have been a lot of places around the city, met really cool new friends and met some of the worst men ever. But I won't go into those details just yet. Those will come in future blogs because I'm back!! This is just my local settled into China and now I'm ready to roll!

Kisses!!!

24 hours

This is a synopsis of my last 24 hours.


Woke up to my ex cussing me out because I wouldn't FaceTime sex with him before work.

Found out I'm being watched by cops cuz my friend is a lying whore and her husband has "connections".

Won a cruise to Mexico, my work might not let me go. I'm thinking of quitting if they say no but I won't.

Had to buy a car cuz my family stabbed me in the back

And now I'm 21 days late on rent. I'm on the brink of eviction and I threw $800 away on a lemon.

My car wouldn't start after work. I've had it for 2 days.

And I woke up to find a note from my mom that states, she is at the bus station picking up her abusive husband. He will stay with us for the next 2 weeks.

I just want to run away but I can't cuz my car won't start. I have Suicide Is Painless (MASH theme song) stuck in my head. I've also googled cutting and have Whisper, tweet, snapchat and texted several people. Pretty dark stuff. But no one is awake.

I never say what next or things can't get worse cuz my life is built around things ALWAYS getting worse. I never get excited about things because my enthusiasm curses me and things ALWAYS fall through.

Men

I have a ridiculous amount of men in my life. Not of which I don't sleep with. It's my world but I'm overrun with them. Here's a sampler of the men who complicate my life and are just always around.

1. The priest who follows me on twitter and retweets only my inappropriate tweets. (Non-sexual)

2. The guy who works 3rd shift and often oversleeps and misses oppurtunities to have sex with me. He also blocks that time for other people. (See my post called Pause)

3. The Cook with the rich girlfriend. He never has his own money and she is always home. We often have sex outside of their home or quietly in their livingroom while she sleeps upstairs. (Note: He could have sex for hours but only last 5 minutes in high-pressures situations.)

4. The Mexican, who I can make cum in less than 5 minutes. He sex is mediocre but he has the fingers of a magician. Although I brag on my sex skills, he can make me squirt in less than 30 seconds, twice. He also is rough the way I like it. 

5. My homeless uncle. Although he's my mom's twin, they are almost oposites. No one in my family will ever truly be homeless. He lives with his parents. His girlfriend is homeless. He's the smartest person out of his siblings while being the dumbest, simultaneously. He's a mathematician who has poor money management and is lazy. (Non-sexual of course!)

6.  My brother, who looks like my twin. He can be as emotional as our mother but has the logic that I have instealled in him. When we are together, randomness happens. We make a party out of none. We are both unsure how we became grownups. He's the hardest working man I know. 

7. The semi-pro wrestler cop. I am severely infatuated with him. I have been since college. We have tried to have sex twice. The first he couldn't do it (in college). The 2nd time, I couldn't do it (this year). I was worried that I would fall in love. He lives in Kentucky, where I'm from. I see him when I go home for vacations. I blow him everytime. 

8. The married Marine. There have been a number of them. Most of them are frustrated because they have 2-6 kids and there isn't time for sex with their wives. Also their wives are busy being mothers and working out. I do neither. I am a vacation for these men. I have fallen into these men either by accident or by going with the flow. 

9.  Mr. 420 Friendly - There have been a few of these.  I since I smoke, it's nice to have men who also occasionally partake. If he is a pot dealers, he will always be interested in me, never fails.  I am never interested in them and we will never have sex. I do enjoy getting more for my money because he has a crush. If he doesn't sell, he always shares, he is usually a cook at TGIFridays or some other restaurant but occasionally he's a professional like me. I sleep with these type of men. They are fun and relaxed. 

10. Crazy, I started calling him that after we ended the first time. We ended because he disrespected my coworkers. I hate working with the public, it's worse when you're sleeping with them. The sex was great. Ultimately that's why I tried him again a few months later. I had been seeing whoever, he had been sleeping with his hand. We had good sex and parted ways as friends. Two days later he gets a uti and obviously, it must be an ubcurable disease from me. He disrespects me, I mention trailer fire. We're done for good. But we both work on the same road at the same time so he waves and I fume. 

Pet

I hate pet names. I hate when I start talking to a guy and he immediately calls me hun, honey, babe or baby.


This is very hypocritical of me because I call all the men on my team, baby. That is to avoid bruised egos.


When they call me baby, it doesn't feel like a cute pet name. I haven't earned that name and they haven't earned the right to call me it. It feels slightly degrading. But I'm used men treating me as a pet. Even the men in my family treat me like a little girl in a man's world. That's what baby says to me. It very clearly suggest that you don't want to learn my name. It also suggest that I am now your play thing to control. In the world, I am dominate. I like doing things myself because they'll get done right. I like being the one who pursues the men. I attract them to me. I am always in control.


In the bedroom, however, I am completely submissive. Men who call me baby, want me to submit completely to them all the time. They think they can treat me how they want. They can call me what they want. And I will comply to their complete and utter disrespect; I will not.


Being a submissive does not mean I want to be treated like trash. I will not blow you in a pitch black garage, two seconds after I get out of the car. I expect them to respect me and my boundries. I DO NOT like any sort of race talk. I don't compare my men by race except to distinguish who is who. (Because who wants to read their name in a sex blog.) So when asked if I prefer white dick over black, while I'm about to go down on you, your ego will be hurt. I don't mind stroking egos, amoung other things, but I don't do asshole behavior.


When I submit to someone, I like being their little slut; I am also naked. They are going to do all the things I like and we will do what they like too. I like being choked when he's going deep, I like slapping me and claiming me; I am also naked. When I am naked, I am your pet because sex is a game and the rules are there. Once we are dressed, you may leave and control is surrendered back to me.


So in conclusion, I am not your pet or your baby, I just play one when I'm naked.

A rant I posted on Craigslist

Posted April 30th. I received no less than 100 emails from intrigued men.

Hey Lover

Dear Lover,

You're probably wondering why you haven't heard from me after we had some of the most amazing sex ever. Well honestly, you're selfish. You know I'm easy going and follow the no worries flow but I can't with you.

Yes the sex was amazing to you but for me, it was just ok. And yes I do love giving head but no that isn't all I want to do. You may think it's an honor for me to be sucking your dick but I have better dicks. So to let you know why I don't "mess" with you anymore, it's cuz the best sex you've had is having sex with someone else!

Sincerely,

Men out number women 17-1, I got options!

My mother

My mother lives with me. I'm 30 years old. It's terrible in a way that you living with your parents will never be. Living with your parents, the rules are very clear. Them living with you, not so much. If you think that you will be spending your time bonding and teaching your mom that LOL doesn't mean "lots of love", you're very naïve. While you will hear your mom say "Let's take a selfie". There will be no bonding. There will be judgement. From what you wear, to how late you stay out, to how each of your mean couldn't possibly be faithful. To some this seems far fetched or crazy. To others, they won't understand how this could be different than living with your parent into adulthood. Well my friends, it is what it is. The difference in me living with my mom and her living with me is: I pay all the bills and still have to smoke outside and schedule sex around her work schedule. Her ideas of bonding include but are not limited to, complaining, buying furniture you don't want, cooking food you don't eat, dressing you, being your alarm, guilt and my personal favorite, judging everything.


I know she wishes that we had a relationship like she had with my grandma (also deep in judgment and guilt) but I'm not her and she's not grandma. My mother would probably have a coronary if I told her a smidgen of my life. No mother is ready to hear, that her daughter spends all her free time having sex (wherever), smoking or watching Netflix. She wouldn't understand the addiction I have towards sex.


Just last week, I confessed to my mom that I see 4 guys. This isn't a lie. It's a light truth. I see more than 4 guys but only 4 regularly. I explained to her that we hangout and if they care to know of each other, I make it known. Her response was that I am a placeholder for the next girl, they are all sleeping around on me and I'll never get a hott guy until I'm hott. She hasn't seen any of the men I see. She doesn't know how many hard ab, muscly men I see. She also doesn't know that even though I get hit on by "sexy" men all the time, I choose the regular, sometimes balding, slightly chubby or unfit men for my team. They are so much more grateful in and out of bed. They also have a lot more to say inbetween sex sessions. And more than not, they are fantastic in bed.


I was having sex, at most, 7 times a day and at least once a day. I'd have sex dates before work at 4am, at lunch around 1. And then whoever was keeping me company at night. It sounds like a lot but with any addiction, the more you have, the more you want. After my mother moved in, I went 3 days without sex. Something had to be done! So I adjusted my game, I rearranged my sex time to any moments an hour or longer, she'd be out of the house. I've also taken to car sex. Lots of car sex. I'm not 16 but you have to do what you have to do.


The moral to this story is NOT that my mother is the ultimate cock block.


The take away from this is: become rich, very rich! Then you can just buy your parents a house and keep your sanity and freedom.

Things I learned from Craigslist

1. Craigslist is the Burger King of sex. You can literally have it your way.


2. Just because someone else died from it, doesn't mean everyone is the Craigslist killer.


3. I can get just as many guys trying to get into my pants by complaining as I can by asking.


4. You can sell anything and meet anyone.


5. There are so many fake women and prostitues on Craigslist, you instantly become a 10 for not charging, not having hpv and not being a dude.


6. Fortune favors the bold. You get 90% more replies to your post if you put a picture of yourself or your parts. Of course as a woman, being a woman also increases your chances.


7. Everything is an opportunity for sex!!! (Yay)


8. Everything is an opportunity for sex... Boo!!! Sometimes you don't want to see penises when you're just selling a pair of shoes.


9. You can be Craigslist curious. Just look around. Laugh at people. Secretly agree with it all.


10. It's all relatively anonymous so You can be your true self!! It's a community of the lonely, horny or any other extreme emotion. We all have those days. You can share your weirdest fantasy with a total stranger and get met with more understanding than you ever have in your life.

Pause

pause

pôz/

noun

1. 1.

   a temporary stop in action or speech.

   "she dropped me outside during a brief pause in the rain"

   synonyms:

   stop, cessation, break, halt, interruption, check, lull, respite, breathing space, discontinuation, hiatus, gap, interlude; More

verb

1. 1.

   interrupt action or speech briefly.

   "she paused, at a loss for words"

   synonyms:

   stop, cease, halt, discontinue, break off, take a break

Men like to put me on pause.


I am single by choice, I am unsure who's choice it is. I do choose to have friends with benefits or a "team" of men I see frequently enough. These men all like to assume that I am their's and their's alone. I make no promises to these men. I don't lie. If asked about other men, I'm honest. And honestly, we all are getting what we want. I don't expect them to drop everything and give me attention. I don't expect to be their girlfriend in some close but distant future. All I want is good sex and a little intelligent conversation. But everytime... EVERYTIME, they try to put me on pause. They try to block my action. They want to be the only man I see but without any form of commitment. Riiiiiiggghttt! Because me being single and doing as I please should reflect your insecurities. And I fall for it at least once per guy. I sit at home waiting on a text that won't come for several wasted hours. I allow them to pause me, just once. Because part of me, hopes he'll be different and the other part of me is bored and ready to make team cuts! It's a test! It's all a test.






Men, HANDLE YOUR BUSINESS! What you won't do, someone else will! And I live by that!! Take an assessment of your situation real quick, man. I'm intelligent, well-read, well-respected, well-liked. I'm killer in bed, make my own money and won't bother you outside of trying to have sex. EVERY conversation I have with you is me trying to get into your pants. And that's great!!! But trust me in this area, I'm a commodity, you saw that in me! So what makes you think other men don't see it. They do.


I'm not bragging. I'm no whore. I'm stating facts.


So either you want me or you don't. Because no one puts baby in the corner! And the moment you do, a Patrick Swayze type guy comes along and ask her to dirty dance. And if he's asking me, I won't be saying no!

Blue Pearl

Sometimes in moments of inspiration, I invent phrases. This isn't a constant thing but occasionally it happens. One such phrase is Blue Pearl.


Blue Pearl (noun): the unfulfilled throbbing of one's womanhood during arousal. It is female version of Blue Balls.


I invented this phrase because I often have this feeling and needed a phrase to describe my complaint.


I spend a lot of time on the internet, talking to men ranging from 20-35. It gives me something to do in my down time. I get to flirt and they get to fantasize. Occasionally our chats take a naughty turn and more often than not, after things start, it becomes apparent that they won't be finished.


We all get sexually frustrated, but in 2014, there has to be a better way to say it. And blue pearl is as aggressive as my sex drive. Blue balls might not kill a man but if it feels anything like blue pearl, it sucks!!!

Why

Why? Why does my phone hate me? Why when I type things with my fat fingers, does it always come out wrong? or Why when I type fuck, does it auto-correct me and say duck. I don't mean duck. I'd never EVER type duck. I hate birds! But really, why try to blog again. This is my 3rd blog, the other 2 are abandoned. I'm a little flighty and unpredictable. I never stick to anything. I'm hoping to stick to this. I'm blogging because I'm 30, hate my job and have no serious life. I'm also blogging because my married friends like to live vicariously through me.

I moved 11 hours away from my family at the beginning of this year. I moved to a city of 2,500 people but an area that is overpopulated with men. This is due to the military base that is approximately 4 miles from my house.

So lets tally the record: Single woman, relatively young, no kids, my own place, no friends. What's a girl to do in an area that has 40 men for every 1 woman? Yeah, you guessed it... And I do that a lot.

I am maybe a 6 on the hotness scale, I'm fat, have large breast and I can be kinda cold. I am a few men's fantasy but mostly I am available. I like myself, love myself, even. The facts are, I'm not meant to be a trophy wife or compete for attention. And here, I don't have to!

I don't date. I tried dating but I'm living in a literal buffet. So I started this blog to chronicle my life. It should be fun. All I do is work and have sex. So here we go. From the goofy to the crazy to the positively fantastical.

Top reasons to NOT sleep topless

When you're as top heavy as I am, there are things that never do EVER in life. I try to avoid running, jumping, buying shirts with built in bras and most of all, sleeping without a bra. And yet last night, I found myself sleeping topless.

Reasons why it's a bad plan:

1. My boobs are round, they roll everywhere. 
2. They rolled onto my arm and cut off my circulation 
3. They rolled onto my neck and tried to suffocate me 
4. My nipples are very tender 
5. My back is killing me 

I didn't plan on sleeping topless. I planned on taking a shower, getting dressed and then getting undressed. I planned on having sex and then going out for a fun Friday night. The reality of my Friday night was as follows; Showered, put on my panties, sat on toilet lid waiting for a text, sat for an hour, decided fuck it, put on my favorite shirt (a hockey jersey), took off my panties, put on sleep pants and went to the beach. I was pissed that I wasn't having sex on a Friday night. I was upset that I had built my life around 2 people for the last month and both people were unavailable to me. But I underestimated the beach at night, it's frightening, and I wasn't wearing a bra or panties. I eventually freaked myself out so bad, I ran, braless, back to my car. So later that night after I passed out at 11, I woke up sweaty in my "beach" clothes. I stripped off the hockey jersey and went back to sleep.


And that's how I ended up sleeping topless.