My pregnancy is shit

My pregnancy has been rough. I had (what I thought was) a difficult first trimester because I was super sick. I lived off of Gatorade, anti-nausea meds and crackers. I could hardly eat. I lost about 40 pounds. 

My 2nd trimester, I started having severe bone pains. That’s why my first trimester wasn’t difficult, it was just hard because it was getting worse. My pelvis was (is) separating in the wrong way. I had to start going to physical therapy and a chiropractor to stop further damage. I was told that they couldn’t fix anything already done to my body but help it (possibly) not get worse. I am usually struggling to walk by noon everyday. I occasionally have to use a cane. I can’t go to the store for more than 5 minutes, if I don’t use an electric wheelchair. 

When I went to my 28 week ultrasound, I was informed that my baby has IUGR which is a growth restriction. I now have to see the doctor weekly or biweekly because at some point, my body will be less inhabitable and they will save him from it. Meaning I will 100% deliver early, we have to constantly watch to see just how early. 

During all of this, I’m planning my baby shower and all the other things most people have to do in their last 3 months of pregnancy while I could have days or weeks left in mine. Most people have a larger safety net of people to help them with these things than I ended up with, although my family is extremely supportive, I’ve lost friends. 

I chose to keep this baby but hear my emphasis on CHOSE because it’s my body and it was my CHOICE. I go back and forth on how I feel about this decision. I didn’t know that my body would betray me when I started this pregnancy. I didn’t know I would have chronic pain or have an overwhelming sense of abandonment. I didn’t know that I would cause my baby to suffer as much as this pregnancy has made me suffer. It’s hard. I can say 100%, that I would never force someone to go through a tenth of what I have. I don’t think it is fair to ask anyone to be, stay or continue something that could kill you. I have so much anxiety about my mortality rate because the statistics aren’t great for black women giving birth. I have anxiety about my baby’s survival. I have anxiety about how we will live in this world if we both survive this birth. 

All these very justifiable feelings are from my ongoing personal experience. No laws could ever understand that. 

Anxiety

I have no real idea why I chose to keep my baby outside of a selfish reason. Honestly, I was still devastated by so much loss that I couldn’t bear to lose anything else. 

I was depressed, my anxiety was off the charts, my hormones weren’t at normal levels and I was, as I had been, lost. 

I do not think this baby will cure these things. It’s not his job to fix me. But I couldn’t let go of one more thing and this was something I could control. I couldn’t control the loss of my job, livelihood or first pregnancy but I couldn’t even control this one but I had a choice and I chose to do whatever I could to keep this baby. 

I know this decision was selfish because I don’t have a full time job, I haven’t fully supported myself for almost a year at this point. I spent the first 5 months in a crippling downward spiral of self pity. The last 7 months, I’ve spent pregnant with those same feelings plus 2 pregnancies and a miscarriage. 

Now I’m over the halfway mark and this pregnancy is moving forward. I don’t know what I’m doing. I never realized what pregnancy entailed. I’m 35 years old which makes it a geriatric pregnancy. I thought that was such a funny thing to call it because I never felt old in my 30’s. I used to travel the world until a year ago, even with a broken patella, nothing slowed me down. 

But, for me, being 35 means my body is pretty stressed out because of this pregnancy. Between arthritis, pelvis separation and losing bone density (think crumbling teeth and bones) not to mention the fun things that happen to almost all pregnant people (frequent urination, morning sickness, swollen everything, waddling, crying and so much more) I’m exhausted. 

I sleep 12 hours a day when I can. And that’s just the physical things happening. Having to deal with the grief and loss because I know I need to heal while I can still get sleep and have time for weekly therapy, is a lot to deal with too. 

But the choice I made is made. And I have to believe that even though I was being selfish at the time, I will do my best to be a whole person by the time the baby comes. 

I will get my life back on track. I won’t let my anxieties control me because my baby needs a whole mommy. I can’t control anyone or anything but me. 

I’m F*cking Pregnant

Laying face down on the leather couch, which is about as comfortable as it sounds, I mumbled, “I’m pretty sure I’m dying.” 

My body was wrecked. I was exhausted, my bones were like lead pipes and I had a cough. It felt like the flu. Well not exactly like the flu. More like flu-light. All the aches and pains of the flu but no actual sickness. 

All I could do is take turns laying face down on the couch and face down on my bed. 

I had to take a few days off from my paid social media account. 

How could I “shake it for dollars” online if I was dying. 

My mother was extremely helpful (read: rude) during my illness. She teased me mercilessly, that I was pregnant. I never wanted kids and I had declared as much at 10 years old. So her taunts of, you’re probably just pregnant made me even more nauseated. 

I had the flu and just because I wanted to throw up, didn’t mean I was pregnant. 

I couldn’t be pregnant because I was just pregnant and recovering from a miscarriage. 

But to be on the safe side, I called my friend, the nurse and asked her to bring me a test anyway. 

I wanted to prove to the world, I wasn’t pregnant and I had the flu! During flu season! Like a normal person. 

I had to pee a lot because I was drinking plenty of water since my stomach was holding very little in these days. 

As soon as my friend arrived with the test, I grabbed a styrofoam bowl and headed to the bathroom. I refuse to eat from styrofoam but I assumed peeing in it would be fine and I have so many issues peeing in the little cups. 

With my styrofoam bowl full of pee, the eye dropper and the test, I proceeded to follow the instructions.

The test says results in as little as 3 minutes. 

It took as little as 3 seconds for the double lines to appear. 

“I’m fucking pregnant!” I shouted. 

My friend was ecstatic as I paced and repeated “I’m fucking pregnant”

As I finally took a seat on the stupid, leather couch, my phone dinged alerting me to a text. 

{I’m home.} it read. {I’m pregnant} I replied. 

My friend was shocked that I would tell the person responsible for half of the pregnancy over text message but I didn’t want to sugarcoat it. I was in shock, he deserved a little shock too. 

I can’t tell you

I can’t tell you that someone I love has hurt me. Because I don’t want you to hate them on my behalf. They’re not always mean and dismissive to me. It’s just sometimes. 
I don’t want you to see me crying in ball every time you look at them. Because they don’t always make me feel worthless. 
It’s just sometimes. Like when someone hurts them and says things to make them feel worthless, they’re full of this negative energy that’s just dying to come out. 
And sometimes I end up being the one to receive it all. 
I can’t tell you why I’m having a bad day because I don’t want you to hate the person I love just because it’s them hurting me. 

Hurt people hurt people. 
So all I can tell you is I’m having a bad day. 
I’m ok and I’ll be fine. As I shut myself in my room and cry and let the hurt end inside me. 
Cuz I won’t hurt people the way they hurt me.  

Broken Tooth

In the middle of leaving China unexpectedly, I was getting a root canal. I had gone to my first appointment where they drilled a hole in the tooth to relive the pain. Going home to America meant, I couldn’t get it fixed because I didn’t have insurance. So I spent the last 7 months, constantly digging food out of the hole. It’s gross but I don’t have thousands of dollars to get it fixed so I dealt with it.
Unfortunately my tooth was getting weaker everyday. Yesterday as I bit into a pizza roll, I also bit into my tooth. It broke off and I almost ate it. Today as I bit into a piece of bread, more of my tooth came with it.
I called the dentist because thanks to pregnancy, I have insurance. Unfortunately it was extremely difficult to find a dentist covered by my insurance. And when I did, they said they can’t see me until February 28th. That’s basically 2 months away. And emergency dental won’t see me because I’m in my first trimester of pregnancy. So either way I have to wait.
I’m worried because I’m afraid to eat anything else. I don’t want to lose more of my tooth or swallow it.
I tried to explain the situation to someone in my family and they completely dismissed me. And thanks to hormones, I’ve locked myself in my room so I can cry. Of course I blame the crying on hormones because while this person was pretty mean to me and hurtful, I never cry. I feel sadness when they get like that but I usually don’t cry.

My next step, now that I’m not face leaking is to call the OB GYN and ask what I can do.

Roy asked me why I was having a bad day today but I couldn’t tell him. At the very least, I’m getting a lot of writing done through everything that’s happening.

Day 4 of my miscarriage.

Day 4 of my miscarriage (written October 21, 2018)
Apparently it’s still happening. I’m still losing my baby. It’s not fast and there’s nothing doctors can do. I spend my days feeling pain and cold and misery. I spent tonight crying. I can’t remember if I cried myself to sleep last night. It seems like a long time ago. I probably did. 
I cry a lot these days. 

I felt so indifferent about being pregnant. I took a test that said positive an hour later, I took another one a week later to check again. I was pregnant. 
I made an appointment to have a professional check the following Monday. I didn’t have time to do much. I didn’t process being pregnant. How can I possibly process something dying inside me. 

I was pretty shitty at being pregnant. I couldn’t get my appetite right or remember my vitamins. I didn’t really get to make a habit of eating properly. 
I ate pineapples, they cause miscarriages. I smoked a few cigarettes a day, that causes miscarriages. 

Sometimes people blame themselves for these things when it isn’t their fault. 

This was my fault. I never wanted kids and now I don’t have one. 
How many times did I wish I wasn’t pregnant. How long was I unsure about my baby. 
I lost my baby. Whatever combination of hell that is my everyday life, came together and I lost my baby. Our baby. 

It was his too. So now I’m an empty vessel, shell of myself and he feels like he has to take responsibility for me. 

I’m pregnant

It’s more of a statement than anything. I’m pregnant for the 2nd time this year. I had a miscarriage. I didn’t write much during that time. It was pretty hard on me. I did make lots of videos talking about it. The pregnancy and the miscarriage. I won’t post those probably. I haven’t even watched them myself. But I will post the one day I did write my feelings down during that time.

My Sex Toy isn't a Guy

"Hey, Diana, how are you?" 

"It's been forever!" 

"This is my girlfriend Sunny"

This is how most conversations start when I meet up with my friends I haven't seen in a few months (read: years). We get to laughing and joking and catching up on life for an hour or so. But in the back of Diana's mind, she's thinking who is that woman with me again?

"So how do you two know each other?" Diana ask. 

That's the question my girlfriend and I get constantly. It doesn't matter how many times we introduce each other as girlfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't matter how many times we wear shirts that say Vagetarian or Queer AF. She's what Cis and heteronormative people would call feminine and so am I. At some point in time before we were born, some decided that masculine and feminine were the categories and regardless of your sexuality, you can be one or the other and you had to date the opposite. 

So when we say, "We're dating" people hear, "We're friends". This is something we generally only experience with young people. 

My parents generation usually reacts like this. 

Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend Sunny. 

Mom: So which one of you is the boy?

Me: Neither of us are boys... That's kinda the point. 

Mom: But if one of you has to strap something on, why wouldn't you just date a man. 

Me: I really don't want to explain how I have sex with you but neither of us does it like that. 

And this conversation goes on and on until I say something graphic enough that she never ask again. Ultimately my sex life isn't up for decisions with anyone unless I feel like sharing it. I tell her that my brother and his wife don't have to give a bedroom play by play so why should I. And honestly if you, reader of this, ever feel "curious" about your queer friends sex life, DON'T ASK, DON'T ASSUME, just leave it alone. 

But that raises an age old question: Why the use of sex toys is considered a masculine role?

I'm here to tell you that inanimate objects have NO GENDER. That vibrator in your granny's dresser drawer isn't a replacement for your grandpa. She uses it cuz she likes it. Sex toys don't talk, don't get tired and go away when you're finished. Sex toys have one purpose: STIMULATION. You can use them with a partner or alone and they generally always do their job. It's not a gay or straight thing either, sex toys have NO SEXUALITY. Sex toys don't care what type of sex you like and they NEVER JUDGE. They are here to bring you happiness and orgasms.

 In fact we could probably take a lesson from a sex toys. 

Harassed

Sometime in December of 2015, a friend of mine introduced me to a guy who was looking for a job here. She gave me his contract information because I have a jobs group and could probably help. 

After having one conversation with this man, it became extremely apparent that he hated women and was crazy. He verbally attacked me about my relationship with my girlfriend. He verbally attacked my friend because she didn't want to have sex with him. 

We both blocked him from social media. Unfortunately his fragile ego was bruised by us not letting him continue to berate us. So he left several awful messages in the jobs group including his catchphrases "dyke, monkey ass hoe, your cakes in them jeans, that's the problem with black feminist" and so on. I removed him from the group. 

Every 2 months or so he creates new profiles and joins other groups in order to attack her or I. 

He is attacking her on Facebook and WeChat to this very day. 

His most recent attack against me was in a food group. Some people wanted to know what I did to make him so angry. Some told me to ignore him, others suggested responding. 

In the end it doesn't matter what I do, he's always there trying to fight me verbally because he can't get to me physically. This man lives in China like I do but in a different city. If he did come to my city, I have no doubt in my mind what he'd do. 

He is dangerous. He is crazy. 

But I'm not scared of him. I'm not afraid of a coward who's only joy is belittling people. Who is so insecure that a woman saying NO was enough to crush his spirit and send into a psychotic break. 

Addiction

I've talked about having an addiction before but since I've been enjoying the fruits of a LTR over the last year and a half, I haven't had to really deal with all the things that having a sex addiction entails. 

Like with any addition, you're always an addict. These things don't go away just because you're not partaking in the things you're addicted to or using those things responsibly. 

For the most past 18 months, I had very few withdrawal moments where my sex drive threatened to consume me like the fire it is. But how would I handle that fire when I have no outlet? 

My girlfriend is on location for a movie and her 10 day stay turned into nearly a month. The fire inside me grew everyday and though I have things like porn and sex toys at my disposal, nothing could satiate my addiction. 

So last night, I decided (after a failed masturbation attempt) to get rid of the porn. 

Every time I use porn, it's always the same, quick unsatisfactory orgasms. It's like eating gummi bears for dinner. It always seems like a good or fun idea until I'm left hungrier and disgusted with myself. 

When I was younger and porn wasn't as easy to watch online, I'd stack my orgasms, sometimes quick porn ones and other times, just me, my fingers and imagination for deep satisfying orgasms. But the older I got, the more the addition, my weak will and sense of adventure would lead me to men and women and sex and experimenting. 

In a LTR there is sex and experimenting but when you're alone, you have to figure out other ways to deal with your addiction. 

So I decided to kick it old school and go back to my imagination and fingers. No electronics necessary. And of course I (only me) never disappoint. 

Of course, I run a sex shop and in the name of consumerism, should want you to buy more toys. And toys are so much fun but God gave you 10 toys and they never run out of batteries. Sometimes it's nice to unplug!

Eating at Corrine’s

Eating at Corrine’s


There's something thrilling about opening the Lust app and knowing that in my half kilometer radius there are at least 50 men and women who are searching for the same thing I am. It's been even better odds since I moved to Shanghai. In a city of almost 30 million people, there's always someone who craves physical contact and anonymity like me and today my need was overwhelming. 

It always starts unexpectedly but feels the same. It's like a slow flame of desire creeping up my thighs like a lovers hand, playing at the edge of my panties, hovering over my clit without touching it but swelling it nonetheless. The deepest, most carnal sensation and there was only one way to satiate it. 

I still had an hour before my lunch break but concentrating on work wasn't an option. My mind became clouded with thoughts hands lifting my tight pencil skirt above my hips and possibly more than one set of hands finding their way around and learning the secrets stored there.  With a slight tremble in my voice, I called my boss to let her know I had to step out for a bit and would be back after lunch. Being the employee of the month had its perks and I was definitely cashing in during moments like these.  

I decided to go to the observation deck and look out over the city. I figured my fear of heights should be enough to push down the overwhelming feeling of raw heat radiating from me.  The ride up to the 121st floor was fast, it helped that we had the world’s fastest elevators but the higher I rode, the more my lust threatened to take over me.  

As I stepped out of the elevator and made my way to the windows and overlook, I was again in awe of how many people were always around in a city of this size.  I opened the app, watching my status go online.  

Tara, 30, Single, Bi, Looking for Adventure

I was testing my own patience waiting for a ping. I busied myself by looking out over the city. The view and the vastness of Shanghai has a way of making you feel small even if you are bigger than the average Chinese person. 

My phone vibrated in my hand, making other parts of me vibrate too.  Before I could check my messages, someone stood beside me, so close I could feel their heat radiating and smell a sweet candy like scent.  

"Breathtaking" a melodic voice breathed in almost a whisper.  

I tilted my head slightly to catch a glimpse of my new companion. I couldn't completely turn towards her because of how close she was next to me. Close enough to feel her breast brushing against my shoulder. I realized she wasn't looking at the view at all and I felt a blush creep from my face all the way down to my toes.  

"The quietness of my suite was driving me mad" she mused almost to herself "but I have a feeling you can help me with that." 

She finished, her eyes meeting mine.  I glanced at my phone, 11:10, plenty of time before I had to get back to the 27th floor.  I followed her to the elevators, noticing her straight onyx hair, her curves and when she turned, her pert breasts.  

“Corrine” she said as her deep brown eyes traveled over my body as if studying it like a map.  I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. We stopped on the 108th floor and stepped out onto the thickly carpeted J Hotel.  As she led me to her room, my body buzzed with anticipation which made my clothes feel very confining. 

I didn't hesitate stepping through the threshold of what could only be described as pure opulence in the form of a suite. I lost focus on the room as her hands found their way under my skirt, past my damp panties and against my throbbing clit within seconds. I let out a loud moan shuttered almost immediately orgasming. I had never come so quickly and violently but instead of my desire dampening after, my body burned hotter and craved more of this woman.  I turned to her, grasping her firm body against mine and sinking my tongue deep into her mouth, imagining how much deeper I wanted my tongue in other parts of her.  

Our clothes had found their way to the floor as our kissing had transported us against the large floor to ceiling windows.  I lowered myself in front of her and devoured her body as though I was starved. I drank her long and deep like she was made of pure ambrosia. Behind her the city was bustling loud and busy but all I could hear was the sound of her, a low cadence that slowly grew into an almost guttural sound as she got closer to losing control and I got closer to drowning inside her. 

We spent the remainder of my lunch hour consuming each other and room service.  As I returned to my humble office on the 27th floor, the sexual haze began to subside and the dream of Corrine faded away. Was she real? If it wasn't for the weakness in my legs and my panty-less body, I wouldn't have believed it myself.  

"I'll be here for 2 weeks." She had said and I knew I'd be eating at Corrine's again. 

The Wonderful World of Clit

In a far away kingdom, that no one understood, live Queen Clitoris up under a hood 

How much do you know about the clitoris? 

If I'm being honest, I didn't know much about the clit until the last couple of years. 

Of course I stumbled upon clitoral masturbation as a young teenager but didn't have my first orgasm with a partner for another 10 years.  It took me until I was 27 to use a vibrator correctly. So even sex bloggers have a lot to learn and experience. 

The clitoris has more nerve endings than anywhere else on the body, approximately 8,000, which is double the amount that the penis has

It's the only part of the human body whose sole purpose is pleasure. Beneath the visible pink button, called the glans, lies a wishbone-shaped structure comprising a shaft, which extends about an inch up toward the pubic bone, and two 3*inch arms called crura that reach down and back toward the pelvic bone in an inverted V shape. Though the shaft and crura send pleasure signals to the brain during sex, the glans is more sensitive. That's why it has a hood — without it, a pair of tight jeans would send your nervous system into overdrive.

Two bulbs of erectile tissue run alongside the crura. Many experts believe that this tissue is part of the clitoris too. Studies found that the clitoris is also connected to erectile tissue surrounding the urethra and extending up to the front wall of the vagina — where the enigmatic G-spot has been known to pop up.

The Clitoris is the Queen of orgasms but heading straight to the clitoris gives you a less pleasurable orgasm than if your partner touches, gentle strokes, or massages other parts of your genitals before traveling to the epicenter. The more vocal you are about the speed, intensity, and pressure you prefer, the better the end result will be. 

Unlike a man’s penis, your clitoris can maintain most of its blood supply after an orgasm. Although you may experience a little sensitivity immediately post-O, you can have plenty of multiple orgasmspretty quickly because you’re physically still right at the point of no return.

Like any other part of your body, the clitoris should be stimulated in a way that creates blood flow in and out to keep it healthy. Although chances are very low, lack of blood flow to the clitoris could potentially cause clitoral atrophy. Keep your blood pumping with plenty of sex, masturbation, arousal, and orgasms. Better safe than sorry!

Blah

I love Christmas. It's the season of giving and joy. This year, though, I'm having a hard time feeling the cheer. I know it's not technically December yet but I've been trying to get into it early. 

I broke my leg at the knee in a showering incident at the end of September and basically downward spiraled into poverty. I had to stop tutoring completely and lost several jobs because I was bedridden. I only had my online business and it being in its infancy, means breaking even most months. 

I've taken an online teaching job from home while I recover but debt doesn't wait. With my landlord threatening eviction monthly, the stress has become a mountain of stress on my soul. I can feel the grime of greed and callousness peeling away the layers of happiness that I've been wrapping myself with. 

I think the most disheartening thing was getting my cast removed, only to still not be able to get back to work right away. 

My first steps out of my cast taught me that physical therapy is necessary to retrain your body. 

It's been 3 weeks of being cast free and since I can't afford to go to physical therapy, I've been working on getting stronger by myself (with my girlfriend's help). 

Once able to amble around again, I had 1 tutoring job left to go back to, the parents were kind enough to recommend me to their friends. I now have 2 families to tutor a week. 

It just feels like such an uphill battle for survival. Like breaking my leg broke my spirit along with it. 

So I started watching Christmas movies on November 1st so I could feel the spirit of Christmas because I really need it. Having to sit out of Halloween and many other of my favorite activities really put a damper on the joyous flame that burns within. I was hoping that Hallmark would help me rekindle it. 

TITZ Intimate Boutique: A Love Story

Opening my own store has been the greatest and most tiring thing I've ever done! I've talked about the 14-18 hour days, all of which I'm humped over in front of the computer, my iPad and my phone. Working online means constant staring at screens. But I also feed my shopping demons by getting to buy cool things almost everyday!

I have reviewed a few products through my blog in the past. Today I want to review my online shop TITZ. Now it may seem unethical to review my own store so I want to do it a little differently. I, like most businesses, order wholesale from factories. This is a journey through finding the perfect items and review of the people and places I deal with daily in order to bring the coolest things to my store. 

The first thing I ever bought for my shop was pasties. I had gone to a Sexpo and met many vendors there. One sold very cool and well made pasties. I figured with Festival season happening soon, I'd have the market to sell them. I had never bought wholesale before and wasn't the most prepared. I learned very quickly that while some wholesalers will sell you a few items at a time for a slightly higher price, most want you to buy in bulk. 

After ordering over 300 pairs of pasties, I was ready to start. I could only hope that I would have enough nipples that wanted covering. I quickly made my first sell but my follow up act took longer to cultivate. I had a few potential customers but those sells usually involved a midnight plea and a 7am flight. My teleportation skills being what they are, I couldn't make those sells happen. I knew I had to  branch out. 

I had only been selling pasties for a week when I was asked to participate in a festival fund raiser. Dragon Burn, China's very own version of Burning Man. I quickly agreed. My first pop up shop and I had 297 pasties and nothing more. I needed inventory but what would I sell? After talking to many factories and being rejected or ignored by half of them, I found a few to work with. Of course this was a great time to practice my mandarin skills because out of the 10 factories I was working with, 2 spoke English. I had a week to order bulk and get things arranged. I ended up having half of the things delivered to the venue the day of. One company, the worst company ever, sent my order on the day I needed it so it arrived the day after the event. I was a lingerie shop without lingerie. Not only did it arrive too late but the quality was so poor, I use the products for craft projects. The factory didn't even complete my order. They only sent half and it was completely unusable. 

Despite the huge and minor setbacks, my first pop up market was hugely successful for my shop.  Since then I have participated in Flea market but quickly learned that my brand new goods don't fair as well against a 10 rmb secondhand table. I'm learning as I go. After opening in April, I am at a crossroads. It's only been a few months but business in Shanghai is like wildfire, it moves pretty quickly. I'm having to choose between working with factories and people who helped me start and doing what's best for my company. More than once a week, I have to talk to companies that I've been working with about my orders. I am met with forgetfulness about my orders that paid but not sent, that are paid but out of stock. Business is hard and spending all of my free time on it is tough but I wouldn't give up my business for anything. 

I have started using my business to help NGOs and charities. My heart is constantly breaking for all the bad in the world. I know throwing money at the issues isn't enough but I feel that if I create a t-shirt or other item that helps raise awareness and also donate money, it will help. If I can't physically be in the trenches, I can still support. Doing nothing is the only way we ensure our failure. My shop is owned by a black queer woman, I represent 3 underfed, underfunded communities, so I have dedicated my store and my story to them. 

I have purchased the domain name sleepingtopless.com but the process of getting my own website has been long and arduous. In Shanghai many people have their own small businesses but they also work a day job and because of this their passion gets put to the side. I would really prefer to work with people with similar dreams to mine so I have employed several of these entrepreneurs. Unfortunately I aftero purchasing the domain name in May, it wasn't until June that I actually found a good hosting company and now July, I am working with two different web designers on my website design. Hopefully it will come to fruition soon. Until then here is the link to my online store, feel free to add me on WeChat or Facebook to make a purchase: http://weidian.com/?userid=951605525&string=noopenidfound&code=0310Vsod17AkWo0mpand1Itxod10VsoW&state=H5WXshare

(My dream website layout)

My First Vibrator

My first vibrator was a teal "pocket rocket". I bought it on a very quick trip into the local Hustler of Hollywood. My trip was quick because my city was protesting the sex toy superstore and I was afraid of being caught by the news cameras camped outside. This was the summer after I turned 19. Since then, I've tried and done many more things. But I will be honest, I bought and used this vibrator for several years before I truly understood how to use it. Times have changed and you can buy these things over the internet. Bloggers like me have written and post reviews about every sex toy under the sun! But what should you consider before purchasing your first vibrator?

65% of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone, rather than sexual penetration, so for most beginners a vibrator is the best place to start, rather than a dildo. And, while that narrows down your choices, there are still many types of vibrators to choose from and not all of them are ideal for beginners.

Bullets and eggs:

Bullets and egg vibrators are very small and usually fairly powerful for their size. They are discrete and fairly affordable for first-time buyers. They come in many various designs, range in speeds from single to multiple speeds and vibrating patterns. All are fairly simple to use and are perfect for a first time buyer. 

Pocket Rockets:

Pocket Rockets are the best selling small clitoral vibrators on the market. They are the size of a mini pocket flashlights and are very discrete, affordable and simple to use. I prefer them over bullets and eggs because they are easier to manipulate and hold on to, especially if you are wet or slippery with lube. Basic pocket rockets are one speed only, which is usually enough power for a younger woman. I recommend multiple speed rockets because you have more variation and you won’t outgrow them. These are a bit more expensive but worth the investment. 

Wands:

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the best selling and most powerful vibrator ever made, but it is often way too powerful for a first-time buyer. However, other body massagers are much smaller, have more variations in speed and are some of my most favorite vibes. My all time favorite vibrator is the Scorpio massager. It costs about 350rmb and is double sided to give you that extra oomph of power. This vibe is great for the beginner and expert vibe enthusiastic as it is multi-speed, but also very discrete and quiet.

There are several other types of vibrators on the market, but none as ideal for beginners as the three types above. The rabbit vibe is a great example. These vibes feature a vibrating dildo for penetration and clitoral stimulator (flicking rabbit ears) in one. They are much more sophisticated than clitoral-only vibes and may be too advanced for a beginner. 

G spot vibes are dildos with a curved shape that facilitate G spot stimulation. Most beginners have a hard time stimulating their G spot, so I wouldn't recommend these to start with. Classic and phallic shaped vibes are more geared towards penetration and are not ideal for clitoral stimulation. Strap-on (butterfly) vibes and vibrating panties are not very comfortable, lack power and are hard to position where you want them (hello, clitoris!). Couple's vibes are very expensive, not very powerful, and though fun to play with, I don’t recommend them for beginners. Luxury vibes are usually very beautiful, discrete, but super expensive and often lack power as well. 

Love Rings or vibrating cock rings are great for beginners who want to explore together. They are inexpensive, usually disposable, and can be a great addition to sex with a partner. But, since we are mainly talking about masturbation and self-pleasure here, we'll get back to them at another time.

Whatever you choose... Remember to have fun, relax and let pleasure be your guide!       

Love, Misty

Groped

I love a good groping porn movie every once in a while (yes I said porn movie because it is a movie). Porn, no matter how seemingly real is fiction. Just like professional wrestling and most reality shows, it is staged. It may have less production value and no budget for CGI but it is as fake as the latest Disney or MGM film. 

Why do I point this out? Because for whatever reason, we live in a world where people think porn is real life. Where someone can grab a stranger and thinks it will lead to spontaneous sex. This is NOT the real world! 

Don't believe me? Here are several very true and very scary stories about what happened to me and to too many people I know. All women have these fears. 

Groped:

I get, on average, at least one package delivered a day. I may or may not have an online shopping addiction. (Just kidding) I run a business and have things delivered all the time! 

Last week, I received a package from a different delivery service. The company you purchase from chooses who delivers your packages. This time instead of a young man in a uniform, it was a man, around 60-70 years old, dressed in regular clothes. He asked me to sign for my package. As he was handing me a pen, he grazed my breast with his hand. I assumed it was an accident. Why would a random old man try to molest me? But instead of apologizing, he grabbed me again and kept telling me how big my chest is. I freaked out. I was in shock, I was disgusted, I was afraid. I couldn't think to yell, I tried to guard myself and fold up as small as I could. I wanted to shrink into nothingness and disappear. I pushed him out of the doorway and slammed the door in his face.  He was just standing there smiling as if we both had a great time. As if he didn't grope and molest me. Later, after I stopped yelling at myself, calls were made to the company to complain. The company said, "Too bad. We don't care. Call the police." They refused to give any information about the man in order to file a report. They also refused to punish the man at all. Now every time the doorbell rings, my heart drops a little and I wonder if I should bring something to protect myself. I'm afraid of who is on the other side of the door and what will happen to me if I open it. 

Bikes:

Here in China, we have many forms of transportation, we can take the subway, a bus, a taxi or a scooter. Every time we take any of these, we are risking our lives. We've all seen the videos and lived through driving in China. I was always more afraid of a wreck than a pervert. No one thinks that the person driving could be a sexual deviant. 

I was on my way home from work and decided to take a moped home. I can't count how many times I've done this, it's fast, it's cheap and it usually is no problem. But this day, my driver had other ideas. He grabbed my thighs. I was originally riding side saddle and assumed he was motioning me that it was unsafe. As I sat straddled against him, and we sped towards my destination, his hand got higher and tighter on my thigh. At the end of the ride, I hopped off the bike, threw money at him and got away. Now I ride my own bike but I've heard many stories like this, even in taxis. We have to be on guard every second of everyday... It doesn't seem fair! 

But I find you sexy:

I was taking the subway home during rush hour. It was the beginning of it, so it wasn't so bad, not incredibly crowded yet. I was standing in front of the doors because my stop was next. I became aware of a man standing next to me and staring at me. This isn't unusual, people stare all the time, I rarely notice it anymore but he was standing just a little too close to me and staring a little too hard. As I made my exit out of the subway car, he struck up a conversation with me in English. He asked where I was from, what do I do in Shanghai and how long I have lived here. I was polite and answered because I don't mind letting people practice their English with me. He then asked if I was here with my family, which translates to: Are you married? I will hit on you now. I told him I live with my girlfriend. I wanted him to understand that he, not only, had no chance with me but also that I wanted the conversation over with. As I walked to the escalator to leave the station, he explained to me that he understood that I was a lesbian. He asked, "You don't like boys?" I replied no. He said, "But I find you sexy, I'm attracted to you." And he grabbed my hand and held it tightly. I couldn't get away from his grip and we were trapped on the escalator going up. I was afraid because I didn't know his intentions. I wasn't sure what to do. He expressed his attraction towards me as if it trumped my sexuality. This man who had known me for all of 5 minutes felt like he had rights to me. We exited the station and it was raining so I used my umbrella as an excuse to politely break his grip on me. He followed me to the corner asking me if I wanted him sexually and grabbing at my umbrella hand. Finally, he said he lived the other way and I was able to get away. I didn't walk straight home, I stopped in a shop to unravel the tension in my head. When I did go to my apartment, I ran the 5 flights as fast as possible incase I was followed. I wondered how many women have this happen to them. I worry that most of us are too polite to know what to do. 

These are only 3 of the stories. There are countless more and they happen everyday. This time the ladies were lucky. The violation they suffered could have been much worse. There are news articles about rapes by delivery men, rape-murders by taxi drivers and people being attacked anywhere. Somedays it doesn't feel safe to leave the house but they come to your home. Why do we live in a rape culture? Is it because we think fiction like porn is a reality? Is it because we don't value each other as humans? I won't say these ladies are lucky to have survived because there is no luck when it comes to being violated, no matter how big or small. This is everyone's problem! 

Even as the women told these stories, people began to tell them what they should have done. Can you imagine feeling like you have no rights to your own body and then hearing, from friends, how you handled it poorly? This, however seemingly passive, is victim blaming. No one knows how they will react until it happens to them and I hope with all of my heart, they never have to find out. 

Bottom line: Rape culture sucks! Let's stop it!!! 

Misty 

Masturbation Month toy review

May is Masturbation Month and my friends at Middle Sex Toys have shared a few toys with us to jumpstart our orgasms. You may have seen the infographic about why, how and with what we use to masturbate. 53% of women use toys to help them reach the big O. If you're part of the 53% who do or in the 47% who don't, it's time to take notes on my favorite 3 toys they sent my way! 

The Bullet with Remote:

This simple gadget is fun for external and internal use. It comes with a remote so that you or your partner can control the speed. I'm getting into remote controlled toys more because they don't stop the fun. For most bullets that don't have remote access, they either don't have any speed or vibration variations or you have to stop in the middle to change the settings.  With a remote, they fun is seamless. I also have a soft spot in my heart corded remotes because you don't have to worry about the remote/sensor communication once it's inside you. I give this toy 💗💗💗💗💟 Four hearts. It comes from a family of bullets, so for added fun, I'd suggest the rabbit bullet which comes with 2. 

The Butterfly and the Goose:

Like similar "rabbit style " vibrators, these two aim to please. Each has a 12 pearl rotating interior to add to the powerful vibrations. The goose comes equipped with a small lightly spiked section that is perfect fit G-spot stimulation while the beak of the Goose rubs the clit. They come from the Jack Rabbit sex toy line which has been bringing pleasure for years. I occasionally have a issue with feeling pleasure from sex toys because of their size or material but these two were great! Between the rotating beads and multiple vibration speeds and rhythms, I was very satisfied! I give them 5 hearts!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I recommend for anyone who needs or likes multiple sensations to reach the mighty O! **Note: these sweet animals are not quiet. So if you're sneaking in a quickie, you might want to play some light music.**

All in all, I'm very impressed with these toys and highly recommend them. Middle Sex Toys is a wholesale company out of Ningbo, China. They are the nicest company I've had the pleasure of working with and I look forward to collaborating with them in the future! Check back later to see if I take the giant remote control dildo on and hear all about wands! The possibilities are endless!

Kisses, 

Misty 

May is Masturbation Month

In celebration of Masturbation Month, our friends over at JimmyJane have come up with this clever infographic.

Shanghai Sexpo

Stepping off the bus, I was unsure what to expect. I have been to many conventions, from Comic Cons to hair shows but this was my first Sex Toy convention. I prepared my girlfriend by saying everyone attending is either in the industry or a pervert. I was prepared for slightly sticky floors and lots of creepy men. What I experienced while there was far from my expectations. I arrived on the last day, 3 hours before closing. I bought my ticket through WeChat which proved a little difficult because the registration was in Chinese but the WeChat ticket person spoke some English. 

After buying tickets, I entered through the giant pink and white archway and was greeted by a 3 foot tall Buddha statue with a 3 foot long penis. His torso was wrapped in chains in BDSM fashion. 

Once inside the belly of the beast, I saw row upon row of booths filled with everything from pocket pussies to dildos and anal beads. It being the last day, some of the booths were empty and a few were packing up but everything else was in full swing. I peruse as many booths as possible. I saw couples, singles, expats and experts. We were all there to get the latest information and technology in sex. My favorite booths were the over the top bedroom scenes that set the tone of the products. My least favorite booth was a specific sex doll shop that specializes in "life size" dolls that look like children of adolescent age. 

I was impressed by the array of toys and products. Of course the ratio of penis shaped sex toys out weighed the more creative ones but overall it was nice. I was also impressed by the company NV Toys for their gay friendly prostrate toys. There was something for everyone! 

On the second floor, there were tech booths, a stage for performances and giveaways, as well as Japanese Adult Entertainers. Being the last day of the show, I missed all of that fun. Supposedly they showed the latest in virtual reality porn. 

As we wandered the halls and booths, I ran into an adult entertainer. We were asked to pose together holding sex toys. There are no less than 30 videos and hundreds of photos of us in the phones of her fans. 

All in all, it was a fun day! I even got a few free products and some goodies for my readers!

XOXO,

          MISTY

L'AMOUROSE PARAMOUR Classique

The Tease:

L'AMOUROSE combines intuitive design, a tradition of craftsmanship, and technological innovation to create lifestyle products that enhance your intimate experiences.

The PARAMOUR trio comes with: the PARAMOUR remote control, PARAMOUR vibration bullet, MAE bullet vibe silicon cradle, LANA partner vibe silicon cradle, CLARK gentleman's ring silicon cradle,a charger and travel adaptor. 

**PARAMOUR Vibration Bullet which includes 5 vibration modes and 12 speeds suited for a wide array of intimate activities.

**The remote control allows you or your partner to control the bullet held in one of the silicone cradles. It controls the pleasure up to 15 meters away and has a touch pad to control vibrations. The controller also doubles up as a charger for the bullet.

The Talent: 

Paramour Pleasure Partners Set (according to L'AMOUROSE) - 

Waterproof

Innovative Touch Control

Personalised Mode

Interchangeable Bullet

Robust Vibrations

FDA-Grade and phthalate free silicone

18 Month Warranty

Lifetime Guarantee

Available in 2 colours – Turquoise and Black.

Charger

Luxury Gift Box

Velvet Carrying Pouch

User Manual

Authenticity Card

The Temptation:

Opening the box filled me with anticipation. L'Amourose has beautiful packaging! Inside the turquoise  box were two black boxes; one marked accessories, the other AR. AR is also embossed on the velvet bag that came with my trio of toys. 

I'm a huge fan of silicon sex toys because of the smoothness of the surface, it also helps with cleaning. The trio is safe for the body and the silicon is nonporous. 

I was excited about the interchangeable parts and the remote control. The design is unique and attractive. I was thrilled about the remote, especially, because it could take partner play to a whole new level. The company boast that remote is powerful enough to work up to 50 feet away and it has a memory function that allows me to create a 10 second loop of my favorite vibration modes and speeds. 

I liked the LANA. It isn't one size fits all so it might not line up directly with your clit. I did enjoy the 5 different modes and the various speeds. 

The Taboo:

I tried out the 2 of three silicon cradles. I used them alone and with my partner. My first issue was turning the bullet on. You're supposed hold the on button for 5 seconds to turn it on but it took significantly longer and I had to press pretty hard before it worked. I was also confused by the charge time. The bullet is supposed to charge for an hour and have a 100 day standby charge but I found it completely dead after a few days of non-use. 

In order to use the toys with the remote, you have to turn on the bullet separately from the remote before use. I also found it difficult to control through my skin sometimes with the remote. So much for secret public play. 

MAE was a little uncomfortable when inserted vaginally. The plastic of the bullet felt slightly awkward and kinda irritating but that may be due to how tight I am. The bullet automatically shuts off after 30- 45 minutes and because of the low comfort level, I wasn't able to climax before it stopped vibrating and responding to the remote. I enjoyed the LANA a lot more. 

The Tally:

I give the PARAMOUR Classique trio - 3 out of 5 hearts💗💗💗💟💟

Choose something different if:

You want something quick and easy 

You plan public play

You don't have a penis or use a dildo [CLARK was unusable for me]

(L'AMOUROSE has other Trio sets: PARAMOUR FEMME for females & PARAMOUR HOMME for males)

Buy this product if: 

You have extra money 

You're a gadget fan

You want pretty toys in your sex closet